I Only Want What I Can Not Have
by johnnyfabulous
Summary: Remus pines for Sirius in a sweat lodge. Warnings: Unrequited slash, masturbation not graphic and angst.


I only want what I can not have.

Remus cursed the day he signed up for Professor Pendragon's course on indigenous magic. He found the course fascinating of course, especially the Aboriginal magic, but this new assignment was too much.

"Many Native American wizards use sweat lodges to purify themselves," Professor Pendragon said, looking ridiculous with his pasty English face framed by a feathered headdress, "this purification is said to magnify someone's capability for magic."

'They also had spells that made corn fall out of your armpits,' Remus thought.

"You're assignment is to spend an hour in my homemade sweat lodge everyday for a week and mark any sign of progress in your magical abilities. Please sign up for a daily time slot before leaving class." The class groaned.

It was the first day of "purification". This wouldn't be such a bad assignment if it was winter, but it was the first week of September and the heat from August hadn't yet quite dissipated. Remus also wished there was someone to talk to.

Conveniently there was a knock on the door; not actually the door, because the door was just a flap of deer hide, but next to the door.

"Come in," Remus yelled.

A slightly tanned hand lifted up the flap, sunlight poured in as the figure walked in and disappeared as the flap dropped. It took Remus's eyes a few seconds to adjust to the sudden changes in light. When they finally did, he saw that in it was Sirius.

"Hi," Remus said quietly.

"Hey," Sirius replied.

Sirius, like Remus, was wearing nothing but a towel around his groin. However, unlike Remus, Sirius's towel was not tied tightly, instead it seemed to be only hanging by his hips, and it would only take a moderately strong gust of wind to blow it off. A thin treasure trail lead from his stomach, past his navel and into his pubic hair, the tip of which was peeking out from Sirius towels. Remus tried not to stare, but he couldn't help it.

'This is just what I need,' Remus thought.

"Mind if I join you?" Sirius's face looked hopeful, "James was telling me about the assignment, and I wanna try it for myself."

"Sure."

The Sweat Lodge was a circular building made out of Willow branches. The ground was made of dirt and in the middle was a pit filled with heated rocks. There was no furniture. Sirius sat down cross legged across from Remus.

"Ready?" Remus asked.

"Ready."

Remus poured a cup of water over the rocks, causing the room to fill with steam. Almost instantly the heat became oppressive. The quarts of sweat that Remus had been sweating became gallons. He looked at Sirius, then thought better of it. He didn't want to creep him out.

"Pretty fucking hot, huh?" Sirius laughed. "I bet I could get a real workout in here."

"Really? Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?"

"No pain, no gain." Sirius smirked. As if proving a point, he laid down on his back and began to do sit ups.

Remus's eyes followed Sirius, who was-as usual- quite oblivious to his staring. Remus found himself captivated by the sight of Sirius's muscles contracting beneath his skin, the sound of him grunting with each upward thrust, the beads of sweat that Sirius would periodically stop his workout to wipe off. Remus wondered what Sirius's sweat tasted like, then immediately chastised himself for thinking such a perverse thought. Even worse was when he stopped doing sit ups and started to scratch his crotch. It was then that Remus realized that Sirius had probably forgotten that Remus was in the room. This made him feel like a voyeur, a peeping Tom. He was seeing Sirius in a raw, vulnerable light, Sirius without his usual aristocratic grace, and it was the most erotic experience of Remus's life. One part of him wanted to watch him forever, silent and unobserved. Another part of him wanted to intrude, to make his presence known, to touch Sirius, to be more than an observer.

Suddenly Sirius looked at Remus, who blushed and tried to cover his erection. Sirius just smiled.

"Sorry Moony, I forgot you were in here. Bet you didn't want to see me scratch my balls?"

Remus forced a laugh.

"I should probably go before the next student gets here." Sirius stood up and stretched.

"Ok, bye," Remus replied, not getting up. He watched Sirius as he walked out the door, the sunlight blinding him.

Alone at last, Remus quickly removed his towel and began to jerk off. He came quickly into the towel. The orgasm itself was intense, but joyless and as Remus stood up to put his towel back on, his knees buckled and he sat back down again. Bringing his knees up to his chin, Remus contemplated his situation. He wanted Sirius, badly, longed for him, but he would get over it. He always got over his desires, he had learned to discipline himself through years of disappointment. Better to want and forget the desire than to lose and remember the happiness.

"I can never get what I want," Remus whispered, finally standing up, "because I only want what I can not have."


End file.
